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Sample Essay and Analysis

Author:
David Stevens

Admitted to:
Dartmouth College

Topic: Targeting the school, Goals

     For thousands of years a man's beard was a sign of his royalty, wisdom, courage, and strength. Those with assertive, bushy beards were traditionally respected. In ancient Egypt, Queen Hatshepsut wore false beards as an equal of kings. To the ancient Greeks, a beard signified the strength and courage of a warrior, and the wisdom of a philosopher. However, the hair on a man's chin no longer possesses the same importance. Sure, to those rabbis or soon-to-be rabbis like my brother, it is a sign of allegiance to G-d. But in our society, other attributes have become more important, primarily a man's education.

     Suppose you lived in ancient times and had to choose a beard. If you could choose among four beards that appear equal in all respects except color, would you choose the black, the red, the blond, or the gray? This is analogous to the question that I asked myself regarding college. Which university would lend me prestige, wisdom, and strength? I need a university of opportunity---a university with others like me trying to grow their beards.

     When I was a young child in Stockholm, I heard of many different American universities that many Swedes wanted to attend. Now I understand why. A prestigious American university provides a wealth of opportunity to explore many different elements of life, to tap into a wealth of academic resources, to engage in internships.

     Dartmouth provides all these and much more. I value Dartmouth's low student to faculty ratio. At Dartmouth, I will not be just a nameless student, but I will have the opportunity to speak one-on-one with world-renowned professors. I also plan to be in close intellectual contact with resident faculty.

     I hope that my ideas and experiences will make our contact mutually stimulating. My activities in high school have varied from editing the school newspaper to winning third place statewide as a member of the Amity Math Team. At Dartmouth I hope to experiment with a broad range of activities from The Dartmouth, our nation's oldest college newspaper, to the student e-business associations. I want to be known as a leader. I have always been an articulate person to whom people have turned for leadership as captain of the debate team and as treasurer of the senior class.

     I plan to get involved in programs that Dartmouth offers. I would also like to test out my many interests. I am ambitious and energetic. I will contribute to Dartmouth in more than one way as a studious individual and as one involved in campus activities.
     I view college as essentially similar to high school but different in the variety of experience, the freedom to select pursuits, and the intensity of focus on the goals of the rest of my life. At Dartmouth I will certainly not be limited by a lack of opportunities. On the contrary, I believe that Dartmouth will allow me to choose not only scholastic endeavors and programs that are my passion, but also those I have not yet imagined. I've always had unique intellectual passions ranging from the history of beards to supply-side economics, and Dartmouth's famed academic excellence will fulfill and excite my intellectual curiosity.

     When I first arrive at college, I will be sporting mere stubble on my chin. I choose this nascent beard in the firm belief that Dartmouth is true to the Latin meaning of universitas, a group of people organized for a common purpose, in this case to grow a beard. I expect mine to become full and strong - a beard Hatshepsut herself might have envied.

Sample Analysis of the Essay

Attention-grabber

This opening is intriguing and original. Where is the writer going with the announcement about beards? There is a pleasant sense of impending humor.

Transition to the theme

The transition asks the reader to make another intriguing choice: what color beard to select? Questions draw the reader into dialogue with the writer and create a relationship between them. Here the theme is simple and straightforward: what makes Dartmouth an ideal place for this writer to study? It is not easy to write an essay about why one wants to attend a given university. This one lists all the advantages of Dartmouth College, but the reasons sound less than simple flattery because of the quirky parallel to choosing a beard. The writer also takes the opportunity to insert some tantalizing hints about his unusual background ("When I was a young child in Stockholm […]").

     Suppose you lived in ancient times and had to choose a beard. If you could choose among four beards that appear equal in all respects except color, would you choose the black, the red, the blond, or the gray? This is analogous to the question that I asked myself regarding college. Which university would lend me prestige, wisdom, and strength? I need a university of opportunity---a university with others like me trying to grow their beards.
     When I was a young child in Stockholm, I heard of many different American universities that many Swedes wanted to attend. Now I understand why. A prestigious American university provides a wealth of opportunity to explore many different elements of life, to tap into a wealth of academic resources, to engage in internships.
     Dartmouth provides all these and much more. I value Dartmouth's low student to faculty ratio. At Dartmouth I will not be just a nameless student, but I will have the opportunity to speak one-on-one with world-renowned professors. I also plan to be in close intellectual contact with resident faculty.

Narrative structure vs. Exposition, Describing oneself

This essay does not tell a story. It consists of simple and direct exposition, an attempt to persuade admissions officers that this college and this applicant are an excellent match. To that end, the writer enumerates his accomplishments to show that he has the talent, energy, and proven track record to help enrich the university. In the course of this enumeration and of the entire essay, he also reveals his obvious intelligence, sense of humor, and self-confidence.

     I hope that my ideas and experiences will make our contact mutually stimulating. My activities in high school have varied from editing the school newspaper to winning third place statewide as a member of the Amity Math Team. At Dartmouth I hope to experiment with a broad range of activities from The Dartmouth, our nation's oldest college newspaper, to the student e-business associations. I want to be known as a leader. I have always been an articulate person to whom people have turned for leadership as captain of the debate team and as treasurer of the senior class.
     I plan to get involved in programs that Dartmouth offers. I would also like to test out my many interests. I am ambitious and energetic. I will contribute to Dartmouth in more than one way as a studious individual and as one involved in campus activities.
     I view college as essentially similar to high school but different in the variety of experience, the freedom to select pursuits, and the intensity of focus on the goals of the rest of my life. At Dartmouth I will certainly not be limited by a lack of opportunities. On the contrary, I believe that Dartmouth will allow me to choose not only scholastic endeavors and programs that are my passion, but also those I have not yet imagined. I've always had unique intellectual passions ranging from the history of beards to supply-side economics, and Dartmouth's famed academic excellence will fulfill and excite my intellectual curiosity.

Ending with a bang, a return to the attention-grabber

The conclusion is a humorous and very clever return to the attention-grabber. The essay has developed a double meaning with reference to beards, and the reader and writer are brought into sympathetic understanding by sharing this double meaning.

When I first arrive at college, I will be sporting mere stubble on my chin. I choose this nascent beard in the firm belief that Dartmouth is true to the Latin meaning of universitas, a group of people organized for a common purpose, in this case to grow a beard. I expect mine to become full and strong — a beard Hatshepsut herself might have envied.

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